My recent post “What About Your Other Children?” delved into the guilt that parents of children with special needs often feel regarding their typically developing children. When so much time is spent with one child, parents worry they aren’t spending enough time playing with or planning for their typically developing children. That post gives strategies for parents to help with these common and natural feelings. However, it got me to thinking - how many parents are asking themselves, “What About Me?” When you become a parent, your whole world changes and suddenly it isn’t about you anymore. People throw themselves wholeheartedly into taking care of this new little one who needs them so much. But if you’re taking care of everyone else all the time, who is taking care of you?

Are you familiar with the term caregiver burnout. Burnout is “a state of emotional, mental, and often physical exhaustion brought on by prolonged or repeated stress.” Caregiver burnout is a real thing and it is an important topic to be open about and to discuss. It is so important for parents to set aside time in the day and/or week for self care.

This brings up the common airplane analogy; put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping the person next to you. You cannot be there for everyone else in your life if you don’t show up for yourself first and you can’t give from an empty cup. Have you ever heard the phrases, “Mothers need mothering too” or “It takes a village”? These are common phrases for a reason; because they are important and universal truths!

After many discussions with close family/friends who have children with special needs and clients and their families, I have compiled a list of suggestions for continuing to invest in yourself and your wellbeing so you can set yourself up to keep showing up for others.

1.Join a parent support group. There are various support groups available online (e.g. on Facebook, Instagram etc.), or in the area that you are living in. Check these out - I know lots of parents have found these to provide a wealth of information and have found comfort in connecting with individuals who “get it.”

2.Reach out to friends/family. People like helping other people - they actually get joy from it. When you let someone help you, you are helping them too. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or family if you need help with things (e.g. babysitter, someone to pick the kids up, an ear to listen etc.) - you may be surprised at how well your requests are received. You’re not alone!

3.Date nights. Make time for your relationship / marriage and your family by taking regular date nights. Whether that’s once a week or once a month try and implement it into your schedule. I have heard from lots of married couples that a scheduled date night can really make all the difference in their stress levels.

4.Exercise. Exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and release unwanted stress hormones! Try implementing an exercise routine into your schedule. Walking counts! Going for a walk a few times a week with a friend can provide you with a positive outlet for stress and negative emotions.

5.Say “no.” There is so much stress on parents to always say “yes.” Can you volunteer at the kids’ field trip? Can you make something for the bake sale? Can you drive your child + all of their friends to their baseball practice? Can you help with a class event? Can you, can you, can you? It is okay to say “no” and exercising that as an option more frequently might help relieve some stress.

6.Consider getting a nanny or a regular babysitter. I know this option is not for everyone. Nannies / babysitters can be expensive. But if you can afford it, it is a valuable investment. A concern parents with special needs often have regarding nannies is finding one that is capable of providing the care and patience that your child requires. A good idea here is to try to find a mature student who is working towards a career such as SLP, OT, nursing, teaching etc. They likely already have many skills and tools that your child would benefit from. When I was in undergrad, I nannied a child with higher needs and it was one of the most rewarding jobs I have had. Check out the Canadian Nanny website to help with your search.

7.Throw away perfection. Nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. As soon as you become a parent you and other people will be able to point out a million things you are doing “wrong.” A family member who is a therapist often says, “Good enough parenting is good enough.” I think this statement is incredibly freeing. You don’t have to be the best or a perfect parent. If you allow yourself to be “good enough,” that’s good enough!

Other great resources for parents can be found at abilities.com.

I hope this is of value to you. Provide any tips or experiences you have had in the comments below.

-Shannon